It’s all or nothing

Every race night is shot through with sunlight, trying to hit the big one one last time tonight for… Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and boys who can’t tell one girl from another. So she takes her pills, careful and round. One of these days she’s gonna throw the whole bottle down.

I got up a bit early to try and get some things done. Charlie still needs to get spayed and get her shots, the dishes still need to be done, floors mopped, living room picked up. I need to apply for a new job…somewhere and actually get hired… I like feeling busy but I get so lazy when I don’t have anyone here to motivate me. I just feel purposeless and insecure on my own. I feel homesick and lonely and weird. If I had the money to, I would sign up for guitar lessons or riding lessons. Jess and I briefly talked about leasing a horse together, but she’s in Brampton all the time so it just wouldn’t be feasible.

Anyways, I have to get used to it. I feel like such a baby and when I move away for co-op, I’m going to be living without roommates and can’t just get upset when I’ve been awake for an hour without anyone else.

Instead, what I’m going to do is grab my guitar and walk to the river and hang out in the sun for a while. Maybe I’ll come out feeling inspired.